Sunday, January 19, 2014

Monday blues

Meh, this is killing me. I'm always jealous of what people achieved. I'm being so materialistic, like lele said. It is just 身外物. But I see it way too important. I'm fine few days ago, but things keep haunting me. Yeah, Im not the one I used to be. I wanted to change, reinvent myself. I keep on isolate myself and don't want to talk and socialise around.. It is that hard to be happy again ? Well, I need to accept facts. Accept and forgive.. As well as forget, I try. I really have to try. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

I want go up a hill, lush-green outskirts. Cool windy and have some sounds of insects. Cool mountain that flow some water, some comfort food, mashed potato, some sweet potatoes.. Sleep in a blanket where I don't need to know what time to wake up tomorrow morning.. But when I wake up, I want a cup of tea with sugar. Spend some time to go fish, have some patience and catch a few from there. Bird tweets, a house build from stones.. Have a BBQ during some special occasion. A space for me to play golf, and leaves will falls when autumn comes. Close your eyes, and that's what paradise to me. 


I don't know why, well every parents is different. Sometimes, their mindset.. I don't know, I don't want to talk about it. Finals just gone, 5 papers.. Well, disaster might be the just a word to describe it? I never been this nervous and stressful, sitting in the hall, 2 hours and I couldn't write a thing out. YES, I KNOW I DIDNT STUDY. Why fret ? Weeks before, yeah maid went back and I have to do work and help family out. That's what should I do, hey. I'm just like coming back on evening 7pm.. Is that so fucking late ? I came home, and you beat me up and make me look so bad in front of everybody.. I literary lost my self esteem, I don't know how to face everyone. I'VE GROWN UP FUCK THAT. 

You hit me until my chin, my thigh pain.. and make me feel bad like I've never been. My heart does really hurt that much. And call and tell everyone to stay away from me.. I understand that you're mad, and I'm wrong. So ? I believe I didn't did any wrongdoing that need you to hit me that way. I'm paranoid of everything.. Sleep? You said it's alright if I fail, yes. I can't cope with stress, I'm not good at it and I'm trying to be good with it.. I rather don't eat and all. Certain times, I never knew what it is feels like when things go wrong and fall apart. It always been in my head that, everything's is alright when you follows and listen to right person.. My impulse makes me feel so bad, I don't know how to restrain and I fell into a hole and all. Lot of temptation out there, I don't know why and how my stupidity ends up being like this. I hate listening to people words, out there. I know the world is not perfect, the reality's cruel. I accepted that.. I worked hard, well maybe not hard enough ? It's look at myself, I lost it. I lost who I am, I only know who I was. Selfishly hurt all the people around me, I don't know how to mix with peoples, friends. I need to social, but times like this. Staying at home is not that great, quarrel and house full of negativity. Yes, mom frets and lots of things happened. I can see those things that parents build over time, have to give it away to others and sell it off out of desperation. Put my ego down, that's one. Yes, I'm lucky to be alive. And maybe this is what it takes to be happy ? I fell apart, I hope I can get back up again... And stand strong, on the shoulder of giants. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Saturday, September 24, 2011